Friday, November 16, 2012

Could've, should've, would've's

Hindsight is fabulous.

Have you ever just glanced to the past and been like, wow, if I could do it over again, I'd ________.

For the most part, I try not to do that. I want to live my life to the fullest TODAY, not spend my time bemoaning yesterday.

Yet...

There can be value in reminiscing. Value in assessing "what went wrong" and "what went right."

Because if you don't learn from the past, as they say, you're destined to repeat it.

Which is EXACTLY why we see hideous clothes from the '80's making this atrocious come back. Repeat after me: I WILL NOT HAVE GIGANTIC BANGS AND PEG MY JEANS!

Oh, and no poofy sleeves either.

Some days, I look back at our journey with Annabelle and I have definite regrets. Things I'd change and do differently.

Some of them are super goofy, like I'd have a super cool PRAY FOR PRINCESS ANNABELLE tshirt made for us to wear proudly. Geez, I might still do that! (tshirt design is not really my forte though, HA!)

And I'd have gone home more. Not a lot more, but I can see now that as a coping mechanism, I shut out super important people, namely my husband and kiddos, and was in total survival mode. While understandable, we are now reaping some of the consequences of that, and if I could knock some sense into my past self, I would. My other three kiddos suffered much more than they needed to. *I* suffered much more than I needed.

I'd have been more vocal in my opinions to the medical staff. For the first few months, I operated with this assumption that they knew everything and I knew nothing. While that was most of the time true, as I learned more being in the hospital, I realized the HUGE VALUE there is in being an active part of the care team for my child, not just a person that signs on the dotted line when asked. I've learned to question things, raise concerns, ask for second opinions, and that my medical team isn't irritated when I question them (okay, well, MOST of them aren't... and they ones who are will get over it.)

And I would have reached out to others going through the same thing sooner. For the first few months, I didn't do that. But my mental health improved GREATLY once I allowed myself to connect with others going through the same thing.

So while I have a lot of things I can see that I'd love a do-over on...

I don't dwell on them. I don't bemoan my regrets. That's a futile exercise that will only have bad consequences, namely Krista eating even MORE chocolate than she already does and then not being able to fit through the door....

Instead, I arm myself with lessons learn and march onward in God's mercy, knowing that He will patch up the holes I made, mend the fences that I've trampled over, and help me to be a better wife and momma in the now.

Discussion: Do you struggle with letting go of past regrets? What mistakes have you learned from?

6 comments:

Flossie said...

Nice post. I appreciate your honesty, particularly where your older girls are concerned. I'm one of those older siblings of a heart patient. Growing up (and maybe even still a little today if I'm being honest), I had a lot of jealousy. But now that I have kids of my own, I can totally see why my parents had to make some of the decisions they did. It's not easy when one child just truly needs more than the others. And it tugs at a Momma's heart. Try and give yourself a break.

Riete said...

As I have no children of my own I don't have regrets in that area, but I wished I had enjoyed life more when I was young. I was so afraid of everything and everyone. Looking back I see so many missed opportunities, just out of fear for the unknown.
Over the years I've learned and gained more trust in God and myself (I'm not as dumb as I thought I was, lol) and I enjoy life now, even though it's not always easy. But no ones life is easy, so you won't hear me complain.

I think we all feel the same looking back. There are always things you would do differently now. God understands and most of the time people do too.
You did the best you could at the time.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

I regret never getting any family pictures of our family before Joshua died.

I regret the last post that I wrote the night before Joshua died that brought so much hate and judgement on our family and started a shitstorm of controversy (excuse my language).

I regret that Shane wasn't at the hospital more often.

I regret that I didn't panic the morning that Joshua coded- instead I contributed his alarms to a faulty lead. If I had acted more quickly, he may have lived.

I regret ever placing blame on God for allowing my baby to die.

But, I can't carry those burdens. They aren't mine to carry. God is sovereign. Joshua's death was not meant to hurt me, instead, his life was meant to draw me closer to God.

It's been a long journey, and I do think about the should've could've would've's but I have to continuously lay them at the feet of Jesus and trust that His grace is sufficient.

Love you, Krista! <3

Krista Phillips said...

Amen and amen! Much love right back at you, Jill! Watching YOU wrestle your way through your journey has been been so inpactful to me and so many others. Bless you, sweet woman!!

Krista Phillips said...

Thanks for your note, Flossie! We've tried so hard with our kids to find the balance. It was super important to me that through this, they also were able to learn how to put others before themselves and to have soft spirits. But it is such a hard hard line, especially when a family is divided between hospital and home for so long. I'm still convinced that there is no "right" answer to that. WE all just do the best we can.

Krista Phillips said...

Good for you!!!! I try my best to live life to its fullest, but wow. That fear thing can REALLY rear its ugly head sometimes!