The last three days has been so hard. Being sick is hard enough, but taking care of Annabelle, worrying about getting her sick all the while, was not simple while dizzy and achy and feeling like I was going to pass out the whole time. She spent much time playing in her crib, as it was the one place I knew she was "safe" given her new mobile moves. I've also fed her NOTHING by mouth for three days, as it takes almost an hour and all of my energy on a GOOD day to do. So I'm afraid we've taken some steps backward there too.
Anyway, enough of my complaining. Although, the below is a bit of complaining too! Funny, I wrote this Saturday afternoon before everything hit me, intending to post it this week. I'm thinking somehow, God knew I needed a bit of a break before all this came on.
Without further adu...
Some days... I just get tired.
When I was in the hospital, these were the days I'd leave for a few hours. Go talk with my heart momma friends. Take a nap. Just... get away.
When coming home, especially after I lost my day-job and I realized I'd have the freedom to "stay" at home for a while, I thought I was leaving all that behind me. I was energized, ready to conquer this thing of being a momma to very special Annabelle, and reclaiming my position as mom to my other three kids. (Not that I'd ever relinquished it, but had delegated so many of the jobs it felt like it was barely mine anymore.)
Saturday, however, for no real reason in particular, I got tired of it all. I was trying to feed Annabelle after a questionable night sleep. I was tired, cranky, and Annabelle was having an especially bad "Eat? No way!" kind of morning.
I'm a big believer in Mom's knowing when they are nearing their limit so they don't completely crack and do something they regret later.
And as I sat there, spoon in hand, a screaming, cereal-covered baby in front of me, I had this incredible urge just to scream and throw the bowl of goo at the wall as hard as I could.
I was at my limit. So... I quit.
Quit feeding Annabelle. I took her out of her seat, pulled off her soaked bib and jammy shirt, and put her on the floor in the living room with her toys, naked except for her diaper and cast.
Quit being a good wife, as my husband desperately needed sleep as he had to go to work at 1 and had little sleep all week. (he started a new job on Tuesday... has to get up at 4:15 a.m. and between that and his part-time job, doesn't get home until 10PM.)
Quit being a good momma to all my kids. They were in the living room and told them I was leaving and no, they could not come with because I needed time away from them, and to please just be quiet and leave me alone for a bit.
I gave Annabelle her meds (I'm wasn't THAT out of it,) got dressed, told my half-asleep, bewildered husband I was leaving, and left.
Where did I go?
- The bookstore. I bought a book I've been wanting.
- Target. I bought a new pair of jeans and a shirt. All the jeans I have at the moment are so big on me (given my recent 18 pound weight-loss) and they literally almost fell down the other day while I was carrying Annabelle. I bought Annabelle new bibs (that will help because they are canvas, so I just rinse them off and they don't bleed through to her clothes like her cloth ones, thus making us have to change clothes a minimum of 3 times a day.) I bought a few things for the kid's Halloween costumes.
- Sonic. I got a big, not-on-my-diet cheeseburger, fries, and a coke. I enjoyed every single bite while I read my book in my car.
No one was worse for wear from my moment of rebellion. Life went on. And I got about an hour and a half of quit time.
I'm not cured. I'm still tired, because what I, and most all other mothers, need is a whole day or whole week away (HA HA HA! IN MY DREAMS!)
But the little time I did take was enough to keep me going for a little while longer. How long? Well, that remains to be seen.
I know this is something we don't talk about a whole, whole lot. We feel guilty for "taking time" for ourselves. WE have to put our husband and kids before ourselves, it's the nature of being a mother.
But... sometimes, I'm thinking we need to take a time out and put ourselves first so we can be BETTER wives and Moms. Like everything in life, there is a balance.
And it's probably a good idea to take that break BEFORE you get the point of having to walk out of your house unannounced... Note to self:-)
*sniff* I have no halloween pictures of her. I was just too sick to hardly move much less take a picture. I barely dressed her up, too, all she wore was her cute skirt. *sigh* None of my other kids got pictures either, although my sister-in-law got a few while they went out.
She is doing well though. Still has a cold, but so far, it is staying just a snotty cold. No fever, just a little wet, productive cough. She's on oxygen at night, and the last few days, I've kept her on during the day most of the time too given her cold. She was just hovering at the low end of her normal, and when she coughs, she dips, so it makes me feel better to give her a little more support through it.
Clinic went okay on Monday. Labs, ECHO, EKG were all good. Couldn't ask for anything better than that!
And she should hopefully get her cast off tomorrow! (Which is good, because it is getting gross. It goes high on her leg, and lets just say, it couldn't be protected at all times. It NEEDS to come off!)
I did get a good picture this morning though... this is how I found her when I went into her room to get her up for the day!!!
Yep, happy, and SITTING UP!