Went to the Orthopedic doctor today. She made me feel a little better. Said babies with small bones like Annabelle's are VERY suseptable to this kind of break. I wish I would have known that going into it. This momma wouldn't have even attempted to get her to stand at home! (and in the future, Mommy and PT will have a very tenuous at-home relationship!)
The doctor looked at me, "I'm mean, you're not beating yourself up about this or anything, right?"
I said, "YES I AM!"
*sigh* I know I need to get over this. I'm working on it. Thanks to everyone who shared their stories and encouragement to me. They really HAVE helped. I suppose it's one of those things that one has to "accept" then put it behind them and get over it. If we wallow in the "could have been", it helps no one.
Anyway, Annabelle now sports a handy dandy soft purple cast almost to her hip (they were out of pink!) The fracture is in her femur, and is small, and she hopes Annabelle only has to have the cast for 3 weeks. She said babies heal fast.
We got some pain meds that should help too, for this I am thankful, as is Annabelle!! It still bothers her to move it, but I'm hoping by tomorrow, with the aid of better medicine, she won't cry so much with things like diaper changes and moving her.
Still, my poor little love looks pitiful in her cast! The girls came home from school and took one look at her and said, "Oh no! That looks awful!"
But the girls and I all "signed" her cast for her. I'm sure by the time 3 weeks come, it will be mostly covered!
I was sitting at the doctors with Annabelle feeling pretty much like crap. I was mad at me, mad at God, mad at pretty much anything I could remotely blame anything on.
Today was supposed to be a happy day, for a very selfish reason! You see, I checked the mail this morning, and received something I'd been waiting for for almost a month. Something was REALLY looking forward to.
My first advance check on my book.
Okay, so this is stupid. It was totally not the money (which isn't a lot, HA, as writers make notoriously little money, much less debut authors! Needless to say, Scott really really needs a permanent job asap!) But it was the fact that someone paid me ANYTHING for my writing. It validated what I've been working for and praying for these past few years. It was just a fun step, ya know?
But I found zero joy in it. And I was really irritated at God for letting my one FUN thing come on a day that pretty much sucked the joy out of anything positive.
Then a thought popped into my head, as I was wondering if God was punishing me for something, or trying to "send me a message" through all the little bad things happening lately.
Here was the thought: The DEVIL loves to steal our joy. He loves to take our joy and throw it in the trash. And all day long, really all WEEK long, I've let him steal it. From being grumpy with my family, to getting frustrated at the doctor's office, to even tonight, burning dinner and stressing so much that my head aches like crazy.
It was funny, tonight, in the few minutes I got to see my hubby between jobs, I was telling him my revelation, and that is when I burned my dinner. GO FIGURE!
So tonight I sit here, feeling robbed of every ounce of joy in my body. That sounds yucky, I know, but there it is.
What I've decided to do is this:
I'm gonna steel it back.
I'm gonna put my kiddos to bed, I'm gonna snuggle up on the couch with my Bible, and I'm gonna relax. Think Yoga plus God minus weird muscle-confusing poses. Think of it as a covert operation of God and I's to steel back that joy and claim it as our own, because it IS.
And, furthermore, we're gonna have a GREAT weekend. No more joy-steeling allowed!
Because in the end, our joy shouldn't be in our circumstances, it should be found in JESUS. So I'm thinking that's how to correct it, hm? To focus my eyes on Jesus.
I'm not there yet, I'll be honest. But I plan to get there, and quickly, because I'm tired of wallowing in, well, unjoy.
Please continue your prayers for my Annabelle. SHE, by the way, is fantastic about not letting anyone steel her joy! Even though she hurts, I can tell, she still, as long as she's not moving her leg, smiles and laughs and is having JOY in her toys. I'm so thankful for this, and so thankful that God protects HER joy for her. I'm thinking that is why children are so "resilient" after things. Because God knows they can't protect their own joy, so he does it for them. But when we grow up, we're supposed to learn to safeguard our own joy:-)
*** more steeling ***
So, I'm just now able to come back to this, hours later. Put Annabelle back on her oxygen for the first time in about 4 weeks. I'm fairly certain it is only because of her pain meds that I gave her, and how absolutely exhausted she is.
She ALWAYS dips her Sats for about the first hour or two after she goes to sleep. However, they always come back up around 10 to 11 when she is good and asleep. TOnight, though, she was dipping lower than normal, but she was also more tired than I've seen her in a LONG time. She didn't have her nap at all today because we were at the doctors, and I gave her her pain meds, and she didn't even go to sleep right away with those. However, before I put her to bed, she was literally in the living room falling asleep as she sat up!
So, I think she's just so sleepy that she's taking shallow breathes. And Annabelle needs good, deep breathes for those poor, damaged lungs of hers!! I anticipate monitoring her for a few hours and taking her right back off. If I can't get her off by morning, or if her O2 sats get worse, I'll call the doctor tonight.
But ya know what? Even as I hunted down her oxygen supplies that I had long since put away, I smiled, because I had just written this post and had this firm feeling that Satan was trying for one last pull. Nope. Not gonna get it.
God is my guard dog, alarm system, and body guard all in one. (although I'm unsure if God would like to be compared to a dog... I think he gets my meaning though:-))