I've always felt guilty when I crumble.
When the mountain of "stuff" to do is piled so high, and my time looks about the size of the little pea under the princess's mattress.
At the risk of sounding uppity and all "I'm so wonderful" I've always been fairly good at handling overwhelming situations. In fact, I'm used to it, so I thrive in it. I'm a multitasker, so when I have only one thing to do, I feel ... unneeded.
But sometimes it gets even too much for me. Every time I turn around, there is something else to do. With oxygen, vitals, meds, four kids, a husband, trying to write, trying to work some from home, and trying to now plan a birthday party and get my house ready for it, I just want to sit down, stuff my head in the dirt, and pretend it will just all go away if I ignore it.
I'm realizing a few things lately.
One, it's okay to take a break. I just need to SCHEDULE the break and not do it in the midst of really important things.
Example of me doing this WRONG: This morning, I was tired. I did NOT WANT to get out of bed, and Annabelle was being nice and cooperating. She'd play for a bit then fall back asleep. I'd gotten up at 6 and given her meds, then around 7 she was gagging a little so I got up and vented her Gtube. Problem was, I really didn't want to get up. All I could think about was getting back in bed and ignoring my busy day I had planned and all the things I really needed to get accomplished. If I got up for good, I'd have to face it all.
So, I got up, didn't even put my glasses on, vented, and trudge right back to sweet under-the-covers land. Ahhhhhh... SO SO SO nice.
I repeated the process a little while later when her night feeds needed to be turned off. And with that, I could stay in bed... just crawl to the end and hit the power down button and fall right back to my oh-so-coveted pillow.
And still Annabelle slept. Well, she played some of this time, but she was quiet, and that is what mattered. Around 9, I figured I really needed to stop this. I was going to feel HORRIBLE come evening. So I finally got up and went to get Annabelle up, and was met with a NOT SO PLEASANT surprise.
Evidently at some point, PROBABLY when I'd vented her Gtube, the medicine port remained open. We'd fed the bed probably the last hour at least (well after her 6 a.m. meds though, so I wasn't TOO worried about them...)
Guilt settled in. If I'd made myself actually get out of bed, I would have caught it immediately. My daughter wouldn't be laying there looking up at me with eyes that said, "Mom... what is that smell... and why am I all wet???"
The day didn't get much better. We had planned to run "errands" as a family for the first time. First stupid mistake given the awful heat. I guess I hadn't gone outside at the time I planned it. We got less than half of our errands done before we went directly home, as none of us were tolerating the heat well! Even getting outside to go into the eye doctor's was miserable... all ten steps of it!
Guilt settled in again, as by the time we got home, Annabelle was breathing harder and I'd had to up her oxygen... DUH STUPID MOM! I was SO frustrated with myself!
We got her home, settled, and back on a lower %. My mind started reeling with all the things I should get done tonight.
Then I decided something.
Instead of letting myself get overwhelmed when there are things that HAVE to be done at that moment (i.e. getting my daughter out of bed) I need to schedule breaks. Non-guilt times where our family just sits down and is lazy.
It isn't "bad" to be lazy once in a while. In fact, I think we all need that down-time. EVEN when there are a billion things to do, and I'm thinking now, ESPECIALLY when there are a billion things to do.
So tonight, we are taking a break from the chaos. We are warming up leftovers, sitting our rear-ends on the couch, and just hanging out. We'll go to bed early, too, what a concept!
Tomorrow, we will get up at a decent time, and the maddness will begin. But I believe we will be REFRESHED and better able to knock out those items on the to-do list.
*note for myself*
There is a difference between taking a needed break and procrastinating. Just wanted to add that for myself to see in the morning.... *grin*