Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Low Points

Life is a journey, full of highs and lows. I think we are ALL, to some level, acquainted with that fact.

Tonight I'm at a low point. Not physically (okay maybe a little...). And not even with Annabelle, because things have sure been MUCH worse in the past.

But emotionally, spiritually, and energetically (not sure how else to describe it...) I'm depleted.

And sometimes, that low comes from really silly things. Like where I sleep.

This may sound SO very dumb and menial, but it was the straw that just made me realize that I'm at the bottom of Krista's barrel.

Backstory:
 
Yesterday, before we got sent back to the PICU, I was frustrated with everything and just needed to get OUT of the hospital. This doesn't happen to me very often. I LIKE being here with Annabelle. I take small breaks, but being away from my daughter while she is here and not doing well is physically painful for me. Many don't understand this, and I know that, but it's just how I am.  But on that day, I just wanted to flee. To go bury my head in the sand (or bed covers) and pretend that all was right in the world and that Annabelle wasn't sick and that my other kids weren't suffering in my absense and that none of this craziness was going on.

So I left. Kind of.

I went out to the parking garage, but I couldn't find my car. It didn't help that I was in VERY uncomfortable shoes and was walking around several floors of the garage, unable to find it. I tried to remember the last time I drove it and parked, but after nine months of parking here, that isn't a simple thing to recall.

After a good 20 minutes of searching, I found it. Then I sat in my car and cried. For a good while. Then I tried to start my car so I could leave.

Dead. Nothing.

So I did what every girl would do. I cried some more while praying no one got into the cars next to me to see me crying... then I called my husband and cried on the phone to him. There wasn't anything he could do... he was all the way home and didn't have time to drive here, jump my car, then drive home before he had to go to work.

I then thought to myself: Maybe God didn't want me to leave.

But then I told myself I was being dumb and reading things into nothing. A moment later my phone rang. It was the hospital, telling me that they were taking Annabelle back to the PICU. I guess there WAS a reason for my dead battery. So I bucked up, and went back inside to help move my daughter downstairs.

Fast forward to tonight. After sleeping in the hospital on the little bed in the back of Annabelle's room and getting VERY little sleep last night (as well as the many times preceeding that), I was really yearning for a BED to sleep in. I needed it, because I'm completely exhausted, and Annabelle's CPAP machine beeps and has to be readjusted almost every five minutes... LITERALLY.

So I said my goodbyes a little earlier than normal, and I was a little giddy inside about the thought of getting to sleep at a decent time (i.e. not 1 or 2 in the morning.) I stepped into the parking garage and start my mind going to remember where my car is....

It hit me. My car was in the same dad gum stupid spot. With the same dad gum stupid dead battery.

Now, I could have someone jump me. But then I'd just get over to the Ronald McDonald House and unless I drive it for a little while, chances are it will still be dead in the morning and I do NOT want to be over there if something happens in the middle of the night with no way to get back here.

So here I sit. In the little chair in the back of Annabelle's room. Listening to the whir of oxygen and hearing her little grunts every once in a while and the annoying, "BEEP BEEP" every time her CPAP stops working right.

I'm tired, I'm depleated, and I'm just very much done. We were supposed to be HOME right now... enjoying our first few days of having Annabelle in her rightful place. Heart Transplant was supposed to FIX her problems... we shouldn't still be having breathing trouble, dad gum it!

But I'm reminding myself though of a few things (thus the reason for this blog because putting it in writing makes me think it instead of letting myself wallow!):
  • I am not alone. God is still here. Even at my low points. 
  • It could be much worse. It has been much worse. 
  • There are many right now, in the path of bad weather not too far south of us, who are standing out in the cold and rain, looking at destroyed homes. We still have a house to BRING Annabelle home to.
But most importantly, sometime I'm still grasping, is this:

I'm allowed to feel like crap. I'm allowed to hit my low point, and it doesn't mean that I'm faithless, and it doesn't mean that I've failed. It doesn't mean I'm a bad Christian. It means I'm human and need God. And that's okay!


On a less "krista-human-revelation" note: Annabelle had an okay day. They confirmed for sure that her diaphragm is paralyzed. Not sure yet what we are going to do about it. Tomorrow there will be a large meeting over what next steps we take with Annabelle, so please pray for wisdom and discernment for both the hospital staff as well as Scott and I as we make pretty important decisions in the coming days.

Now, I'm going to read a bit of my Bible, then will go to sleep on my wonderful, luxiorious chair/bed. I'm a writer... I have an imagination... I'm going to use it well tonight!

25 comments:

jacobcassie said...

Saying a special prayer for Annabelle's momma tonight.
My husband, 28, had a stroke in February and was hospitalized for 3 weeks. I drove over an hour each way almost every day to see him, and other people took care of our 2 young children. He's home now and doing well...
I can't imagine the depth of what you are experiencing, but praying that you're able to be an active momma to ALL of your girls soon.
Love from Michigan,
Cassie Bradley

Anonymous said...

You are loved Krista!


:)Shannon

Jennifer R. said...

So true, we all have our low points, but you make a good point when you say that we aren't alone, even though it feels like it at times. God is always with us. I think sometimes God has to bring us to a point that we realize it, or He allows us to be brought to a point that this happens. He wants us to be able to trust Him with everything and anything going on, happening, or happened etc.
Praying for you guys Krista, Stay strong, hang in there *hugs*

Jennifer, Micah, + kids :)

Julie Jarnagin said...

You're amazing! We're all still here praying for you and your family.

Alexandra said...

My heart is hurting for you! My family's had a lot of trials too in the past four months, losing my little brother and my aunt being seriously ill for the past three months. I read through your post and was just nodding my head...yup...yup...just how I feel at least once a day. My prayers are with you all, for little Annabelle and also for her brave, awesome mother and family! Hang in there and know that soooo many people are praying for you!

"I'm allowed to feel like crap. I'm allowed to hit my low point, and it doesn't mean that I'm faithless, and it doesn't mean that I've failed. It doesn't mean I'm a bad Christian. It means I'm human and need God. And that's okay!"

That really ministered to me and reminded me that you're right, it *is* ok if you have a low point sometimes. Thanks for being so transparent. Your blog is such an encouragement to me.

Danna said...

Krista, I will be praying for you. For strength, endurance and perseverance, you have shown such strength and courage. I will continue praying for you and sweet Annabelle.

Jenn said...

I'm praying for you tonight. Lack of good sleep is one of the harder parts of caring for someone in the hospital.

I hope you are able to find some rest tonight, and that the beeping doesn't keep you awake.

Anonymous said...

Praying, praying, praying.....

Much love, Jessica Scranton

Amy Bennett said...

Oh Krista, my heart is heavy for you tonight. I remember too well feeling that way, and Bodie was only in the hospital for 5 months, so I can only imagine how tough this is! I can remember one night, I just hit my breaking point. I left the hospital to go home and feed my daughter and tuck her into bed, and then go back to the hospital. At least that was the plan. I got home, sank down in a chair and just said "I can't do it. I just can't do it. I don't care enough to get out of my chair and go anywhere." I physically could not make myself go back to the hospital. I spent the night at home that night. It was so weird. It was the one of only time I hit that point. When I got in the next morning, Bodie was in really bad shape and had to be rushed back to the cticu. Who knows? Maybe God knew I needed a respite since things were about to get worse. I don't know. I just know feeling this way doesn't mean you don't have faith, or that you're not a good christian somehow. It just means that you're human. And you're crying out to your father for strength to get through. And that's ok. He loves you. And He will provide that sustenance. Always praying for you.

Love,
Amy

Josanne said...

Krista, hello from Oklahoma. I had a very long comment, but somehow it got lost when I went to preview it. I join my faith with you and your family for Annabelle's tomorrows and the healing of her body. What a great smile she has! Our pastor said something tonight. LORD is "He to Whom another belongs." That's right. We belong to the God of everlasting love. He is the pilot of your journey and He will get you through it to the other side. He is faithful. Grace, peace and All God's best to you tonight and into whatever tomorrow brings. Be confident that He is there already!

Anja Linder said...

I feel sorry for people like you who have so much, can't say trouble, disadvantage in life were you can't even sleep in your own bed and barely have slept for nine month for what I could read. I'm a good friend of one of your friends who've been having trouble alot with hospital in and out and I say the same thing to you as I say to her once in a while. Keep your good hopes up, if it gods way there is nothing you can do, it's not your fault that Annabelle have to stay in the hospital longer, I'll say a prayer for you when I can, wich is each hour because I have a vacation and have absolutely nothing to do. But like I said, keep up your good hope, your not a bad mother! No one is a bad bad mother who have their children at the hospital. I can say that I admire you for staying at the hospital for so long without having to get home to visit the rest of the family. Hope everything will be better for both you, your family and most important Annabelle. Sending lots of love towards you and your entire family :) //Anja from Sweden

Keli Gwyn said...

I'm praying for you out in California, asking that the Lord bless you with much-needed sleep and that you wake rested and ready to face a new day, one filled with important decisions that must be made.

Hugs to you, my friend.

Pam Schooler said...

From the words of one of my wonderful son-in-laws bands song, " I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside. And all I go through it leads me to You. Leads me to You". You have been SUCH a wonderful example through this whole thing but it is sooo hard and I am so glad you are sharing your true feelings about your inner struggles. That will help other parents going through the same feelings to not feel alone in this or guilty.I will be praying God will somehow let you know what decisions you should make in the next few days. Blessings. Pam Schooler

Riete said...

You're allowd ot have a low point ... and you are definitely not less loved for it :)

I'll be abroad for a week with no access to the internet so I won't be able to visit your blog til next week.
But I will pray for you of course!
{{Hugs}}

Andrea said...

Praying for you. I haven't had a child in the hospital as long as Annabelle, I doubt many people have, so I can't imagine what it's like. I have had twins in and out of the hospital for the last 13 years. My experience is the first few days and the last few are the hardest to get through. The first few are scary and your adjusting to everything. Then you settle a little and just wait and deal with the problem(s) the best you can. The last few (or what should be) are the hardest because set backs are more devastating after you've finally allowed yourself to dream of home again. That Head/Heart disconnect is wider. Knowing it's best to be there and longing to be somewhere else. I'm no expert (except with my own situation) but I would bet it's completely normal. I'm praying for clarity, peace and that you wouldn't lose the excitement of looking forward to home as you continue to walk this road.

Veronica said...

I hope that today is much brighter. Our hospital stay was "only" 3 months, but I was 3 hours away from home, husband, and other kids. It is still very painful to recall the harder nights.
I wish I would have read this yesterday and could have paypaled you money to take a cab to the RMH. I did that several times and it was worth the sleep! Hugs!

Jenny Lincoln said...

Oh Krista- you have every single right to have every single one of those feelings. You are an amazing person and I have always admired your strength and positive attitude. Everyone has those "glass half empty" days. Just remember, each day is a day closer to getting Annabelle home. Keeping you in my prayers!! Hang in there mama- you're amazing!

Mary Connealy said...

God bless you, Krista

Life as a Levatino said...

I am praying for you Krista! Praying for rest, strength, wisdom on decisions, for precious Annabelle and the rest of your cute family!!! I wish I could give you a hug!

Love your sister in Christ from Memphis,
Jessica :)

Sarah Forgrave said...

"May the Lord bless you and take care of you; May the Lord be kind and gracious to you; May the Lord look on you with favor and give you peace." (Numbers 6:24-26)

Jodie said...

Krista, you continue to amaze me. I am so glad you know that being human does not mean being faithless. That's why we call God "Abba," because He knows we will have those days when we need to crawl up in his lap and let him rock us and stroke our hair. Praying for you guys...

Breckin's world said...

Thank you for sharing your low point. I really needed to hear "I am not alone God is with me" today. I don't really want to get into the why but just know you have blessed my heart tonight sharing your story. I am praying for you and your family.

Cheri said...

Krista,
You are allowed to have your low points. 9 months in the hospital; takes alot of drain;emotionally, spiritually and physically. You are separated from your family at one point or another at either place. Plus, your thinking about what this is doing to the other children. That is alot for one woman to bare. Even with the help of God.

I've come to taken my low points as high points as well. It is when I crash in my silence of just me and God.. to say I can't take any more. I want normal, no more ups and downs. Even though, I know there is ALOT more healing the triplets need to do. It is healthy to break down and throw up our hands and say "Take it!" because you know more than most... that he does and has a plan even during that time.

Right now, in our household along with getting to the answeres and mangage portion of care.. Lex has been acting out. My worst fear of the result of going to the hospital,coming home, going back, coming home.. I've learned that not only is more 1 on 1 time healthy for him, but it is for me. I can' wait for the days of not putting 9575 miles on my car in 8months is gone. To have healthy but medical managed children and one day it be a glimmer of past.

I wish you knew, that on those types of days.. God has used you to give me strength. That he knows every hair on my kids head and knows the in and outs. Blessed us with fab doctors.. and will be healed one day.

Love,
cheri

Tammi T. said...

Krista,
Just want to say that I'm praying for you, especially that you will have time to be quiet before God and be able to get some rest and will be renewed physically, spiritually, emotionally, etc. I'm also praying for wisdom for you, Scott and the hospital staff to make the best decisions for Annabelle's care.

Of course we are still praying for Annabelle; as well as, your other three girls.

wannagrowwannago said...

So glad things are looking brighter for you and your baby girl. She is just beautiful. I hope and pray for you that you will be able to go home very soon.....would make a wonderful !!!! Toni