Tonight I'm at a low point. Not physically (okay maybe a little...). And not even with Annabelle, because things have sure been MUCH worse in the past.
But emotionally, spiritually, and energetically (not sure how else to describe it...) I'm depleted.
And sometimes, that low comes from really silly things. Like where I sleep.
This may sound SO very dumb and menial, but it was the straw that just made me realize that I'm at the bottom of Krista's barrel.
Yesterday, before we got sent back to the PICU, I was frustrated with everything and just needed to get OUT of the hospital. This doesn't happen to me very often. I LIKE being here with Annabelle. I take small breaks, but being away from my daughter while she is here and not doing well is physically painful for me. Many don't understand this, and I know that, but it's just how I am. But on that day, I just wanted to flee. To go bury my head in the sand (or bed covers) and pretend that all was right in the world and that Annabelle wasn't sick and that my other kids weren't suffering in my absense and that none of this craziness was going on.
So I left. Kind of.
I went out to the parking garage, but I couldn't find my car. It didn't help that I was in VERY uncomfortable shoes and was walking around several floors of the garage, unable to find it. I tried to remember the last time I drove it and parked, but after nine months of parking here, that isn't a simple thing to recall.
After a good 20 minutes of searching, I found it. Then I sat in my car and cried. For a good while. Then I tried to start my car so I could leave.
So I did what every girl would do. I cried some more while praying no one got into the cars next to me to see me crying... then I called my husband and cried on the phone to him. There wasn't anything he could do... he was all the way home and didn't have time to drive here, jump my car, then drive home before he had to go to work.
I then thought to myself: Maybe God didn't want me to leave.
But then I told myself I was being dumb and reading things into nothing. A moment later my phone rang. It was the hospital, telling me that they were taking Annabelle back to the PICU. I guess there WAS a reason for my dead battery. So I bucked up, and went back inside to help move my daughter downstairs.
Fast forward to tonight. After sleeping in the hospital on the little bed in the back of Annabelle's room and getting VERY little sleep last night (as well as the many times preceeding that), I was really yearning for a BED to sleep in. I needed it, because I'm completely exhausted, and Annabelle's CPAP machine beeps and has to be readjusted almost every five minutes... LITERALLY.
So I said my goodbyes a little earlier than normal, and I was a little giddy inside about the thought of getting to sleep at a decent time (i.e. not 1 or 2 in the morning.) I stepped into the parking garage and start my mind going to remember where my car is....
It hit me. My car was in the same dad gum stupid spot. With the same dad gum stupid dead battery.
Now, I could have someone jump me. But then I'd just get over to the Ronald McDonald House and unless I drive it for a little while, chances are it will still be dead in the morning and I do NOT want to be over there if something happens in the middle of the night with no way to get back here.
So here I sit. In the little chair in the back of Annabelle's room. Listening to the whir of oxygen and hearing her little grunts every once in a while and the annoying, "BEEP BEEP" every time her CPAP stops working right.
I'm tired, I'm depleated, and I'm just very much done. We were supposed to be HOME right now... enjoying our first few days of having Annabelle in her rightful place. Heart Transplant was supposed to FIX her problems... we shouldn't still be having breathing trouble, dad gum it!
But I'm reminding myself though of a few things (thus the reason for this blog because putting it in writing makes me think it instead of letting myself wallow!):
- I am not alone. God is still here. Even at my low points.
- It could be much worse. It has been much worse.
- There are many right now, in the path of bad weather not too far south of us, who are standing out in the cold and rain, looking at destroyed homes. We still have a house to BRING Annabelle home to.
I'm allowed to feel like crap. I'm allowed to hit my low point, and it doesn't mean that I'm faithless, and it doesn't mean that I've failed. It doesn't mean I'm a bad Christian. It means I'm human and need God. And that's okay!
On a less "krista-human-revelation" note: Annabelle had an okay day. They confirmed for sure that her diaphragm is paralyzed. Not sure yet what we are going to do about it. Tomorrow there will be a large meeting over what next steps we take with Annabelle, so please pray for wisdom and discernment for both the hospital staff as well as Scott and I as we make pretty important decisions in the coming days.
Now, I'm going to read a bit of my Bible, then will go to sleep on my wonderful, luxiorious chair/bed. I'm a writer... I have an imagination... I'm going to use it well tonight!