Monday, February 21, 2011

Another day

I'm officially ready for Annabelle to have a new heart.

The first week after Annabelle was listed, we were in turmoil since she had her rapid response back to the ICU and things were just crazy.

After that, we had the "Boston" option looming over us, the MRI, and then waiting for a subsequent opinion. So the month has kinda flown by. As of tomorrow (the 22nd) Annabelle will have been on the transplant list for 40 days.

As of last Sunday, she is officially 7 months old. Wow. I just... yeah. Wow.

Now, she is stable. We've decided to go forward with the transplant and not look into the Boston option anymore. We're working on "normal" things like a nap schedule (we had schedule-fail today, our first real day of trying! Here's to tomorrow...) But it's so frustrating to be "doing well" all the while we are not home... although I know that the only reason she is doing so well is because she's on a pretty high dose of IV heart meds that she can only get here.

But I want to be home with my WHOLE family SO SO SO badly. I had Karalynn and Lacy here with me last weekend, and while I LOVE LOVE spending time with them, it's not home. It's not normal. We make the best with what we have, but I know I'm not the mom I need to be.

Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to cram all my "mom" stuff into a weekend, and usually that's all the things that they need to be taught, which to them, comes off as Mommy being mean or picking at them or pointing out all their failures. I do NOT NOT NOT want that. I want to be able to teach them and help them grow up to be healthy women of God while they know for 100% sure that I love them for exactly who God made them to be.

But I can't do that well when I only see them a little on the weekends. But at the same time, I already spend a good bit of each day away from the hospital at work, and while I LOVE Annabelle's nurses... they aren't a Mommy.

And then there's the fact that my other daughter is many many miles away from me and won't be back for another week and a half... and while I LOVE my in-laws and am SO SO SO thankful for the love and care they are giving... I am her Mommy.

I just want to be a Mommy to ALL four of my girls.

I was talking to a lady at work the other day (waiving) and I told her this.

I am REALLY REALLY sick and tired of doing everything half-baked. If I do something, I want to do it well.

I want to be a good Christian, a good wife, a good mom, a good employee, a good daughter, a good sister, a good writer, a good _________ (fill in the blank.)

Right now, I feel like I'm doing a crappy job at every single one of them.

Said lady at work told me I needed to give myself a break, as I tend to be really hard on myself, and concentrate on the most important thing, Annabelle. But... everything else is important too.

So yeah. Annabelle needs to get her heart. I'm ready for the next step, to move on and get rolling toward things getting better.

Because even more than I need it, ANNABELLE needs it. She needs to come home and grow up. And my KIDS need it. They need a Mom more than just the few minutes I can fit them in. And my HUSBAND needs it. Not only is he feeling the same pains and bearing the load of trying to juggle the kids and all the household stuff, He has a wife who is absent and emotionally coo-coo. Please feel free to feel sorry for him. He deserves some pity and sympathy!

Then, as I write this, God nudged me a little and reminded me that I'm thinking all too highly of myself. While all those things are needs, God is more than able to fill in the gap. He is more than able to strengthen my kiddos and get them through, he is able to be with Annabelle when I can't be, and he can give me husband the strength and peace that he needs too. It's a wee bit prideful of myself to think that I am the only one who can do these things well.

But regardless... Annabelle still needs her heart. She really really does. 

Taking a break from watching Bachelor with me to look at the camera. Yo Peeps!

Sleepy, sleepy, Annabelle.

7 comments:

Jean M said...

Krista, I can only imagine what it would be like to be you for a day since I've never had a baby with a 'broken' heart. But you handle it all so well. It's OK to not do it all perfectly. Kids are resilient, and yours will grow up knowing that life doesn't revolve around them, and they know you love them. I'm praying that you are able to face each day - one day at a time. God loves you so...and he loves your family too. He sees your heart, and He knows what matters.

Bonnie Catt said...

I have a fairly large church here in Austin,TX praying for your sweet baby girl as she waits for a heart...also praying for the family that will give you this precious gift...

Anonymous said...

As a mother of three I want you to know that you are not alone in those feelings of wanting to be good at all roles we have. It is difficult when we are trying to be everywhere and everything. We need to lean on God and his strength and accept that this season will passs. We have been following Anabelle's story since she was mentioned on Bowen's blog in Dec. I feel connected with your sweet baby girl as our daughter was born 6 days after Annabelle with a heart condition. She had a BT shunt at 3 days old and Jan 20 she had her Glenn. We thank God for the development of modern medicine and trust that his hand will be upon Annabelle's new heart. She is such a sweeheart! Praying for you and your family.
In BC, CANADA
Shannon

Sherrinda said...

Krista, I'm praying that God's timing is quick. I can't imagine what all you are going through. Please know that you are loved and being lifted up by so many. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Krista, I've been following your blog for the past couple of months. I found it after reading a blog post from baby Bowen's site.
My daughter was born in Oct 2008 and had her open heart surgery at 2 days old. She's had her ups and downs but today she is a vibrant 2 yr old!
I am praying for your precious daughter daily. Lean into God's grace. His strength is perfect in our weakness. Thank you for sharing your story.
Prayers for you from up here in NY!
Leah

Jodi said...

Krista - please know you are loved and in my prayers. It is such a wonderful testimony to read of the strength and courage that you have. You may not be the mom that you want to be, but you are a good mom to ALL of the girls. Praying that God will give Annabelle her new heart and Kara Lynn, Lacie and Gabbie their FULL TIME mom back soon.

Sarah Forgrave said...

Oh Krista, I feel for you. I'm experiencing your struggle to a much smaller degree and can't imagine how long your arms are from being stretched so far. Praying that God keeps you all strong.