I'm officially ready for Annabelle to have a new heart.
The first week after Annabelle was listed, we were in turmoil since she had her rapid response back to the ICU and things were just crazy.
After that, we had the "Boston" option looming over us, the MRI, and then waiting for a subsequent opinion. So the month has kinda flown by. As of tomorrow (the 22nd) Annabelle will have been on the transplant list for 40 days.
As of last Sunday, she is officially 7 months old. Wow. I just... yeah. Wow.
Now, she is stable. We've decided to go forward with the transplant and not look into the Boston option anymore. We're working on "normal" things like a nap schedule (we had schedule-fail today, our first real day of trying! Here's to tomorrow...) But it's so frustrating to be "doing well" all the while we are not home... although I know that the only reason she is doing so well is because she's on a pretty high dose of IV heart meds that she can only get here.
But I want to be home with my WHOLE family SO SO SO badly. I had Karalynn and Lacy here with me last weekend, and while I LOVE LOVE spending time with them, it's not home. It's not normal. We make the best with what we have, but I know I'm not the mom I need to be.
Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to cram all my "mom" stuff into a weekend, and usually that's all the things that they need to be taught, which to them, comes off as Mommy being mean or picking at them or pointing out all their failures. I do NOT NOT NOT want that. I want to be able to teach them and help them grow up to be healthy women of God while they know for 100% sure that I love them for exactly who God made them to be.
But I can't do that well when I only see them a little on the weekends. But at the same time, I already spend a good bit of each day away from the hospital at work, and while I LOVE Annabelle's nurses... they aren't a Mommy.
And then there's the fact that my other daughter is many many miles away from me and won't be back for another week and a half... and while I LOVE my in-laws and am SO SO SO thankful for the love and care they are giving... I am her Mommy.
I just want to be a Mommy to ALL four of my girls.
I was talking to a lady at work the other day (waiving) and I told her this.
I am REALLY REALLY sick and tired of doing everything half-baked. If I do something, I want to do it well.
I want to be a good Christian, a good wife, a good mom, a good employee, a good daughter, a good sister, a good writer, a good _________ (fill in the blank.)
Right now, I feel like I'm doing a crappy job at every single one of them.
Said lady at work told me I needed to give myself a break, as I tend to be really hard on myself, and concentrate on the most important thing, Annabelle. But... everything else is important too.
So yeah. Annabelle needs to get her heart. I'm ready for the next step, to move on and get rolling toward things getting better.
Because even more than I need it, ANNABELLE needs it. She needs to come home and grow up. And my KIDS need it. They need a Mom more than just the few minutes I can fit them in. And my HUSBAND needs it. Not only is he feeling the same pains and bearing the load of trying to juggle the kids and all the household stuff, He has a wife who is absent and emotionally coo-coo. Please feel free to feel sorry for him. He deserves some pity and sympathy!
Then, as I write this, God nudged me a little and reminded me that I'm thinking all too highly of myself. While all those things are needs, God is more than able to fill in the gap. He is more than able to strengthen my kiddos and get them through, he is able to be with Annabelle when I can't be, and he can give me husband the strength and peace that he needs too. It's a wee bit prideful of myself to think that I am the only one who can do these things well.
But regardless... Annabelle still needs her heart. She really really does.