For so long, I told myself that, "If we could just get her off the ventilator, then ________"
Fill in the blank with so many things we need to work on and get through. I was SO SO very excited about getting over this step!
But I feel frustrated today. I am SO SO SO very thankful that Annabelle is off the ventilator and is doing good. But now I am changing my focus from her ventilator issue to the whole slew of other things we now need to get through, and I'm overwhelmed by it all. I guess I thought I'd be energized because we now finally GET to work on them, but instead I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep.
Obviously I can't do that. Although it is after mid-night, I probably should do the go to sleep thing.
It doesn't help that the last two times I held her, she desatted in my arms and they made me put her back in bed after only a few minutes. I REALLY just want to be able to pick her up at my leisure, rock her for hours, bounce her, put her on my shoulder, FEED her, listen to her coo at me. *sigh*
I think I need to narrow my focus. I need to stop looking at everything that needs dealt with and only focus on one thing at a time.
Right now, that one thing is getting rid of the dumb (but oh-so-thankful-for) CPAP machine. We tried to wean it yesterday with plans for vapotherm today, and she desatted so we had to bump our rate back up. So now they are wanting to do a special test (called a Bronc) that will look at the inside of her lungs to make sure there are no abnormalities in her airways.
I'm a wee bit nervous about this, as it does mean she has to go to the OR (even though there is no cutting her open) and they do have to sedate her and have the cardiac anesthesiologist team there. For Mommy, this means that if they are worried enough to take all these precautions... then while I'm thankful they are, I worry more. (urgh, fine, am concerned more!)
So your prayers tomorrow as we go down to the OR are appreciated. Prayers that Mommy can zone out everything else except the current issue we are working on is appreciated too!!
Oh, and my in-laws are leaving tomorrow as well. Prayers for their safe travel would be GREAT, as well as for our family as we adjust to having to take care of ourselves full-time. In the end, I think we needed to get back to a sense of normalcy (whatever that is) but I won't lie. Juggling it all will be hard. Especially when I feel like I'm dropping half the balls I have going already!
God knows this too though. I'm trusting Him to catch all the balls that I miss (or to provide me with a few extra hands... that'll work too, ha!)