Thursday, September 16, 2010

Annabelle update week 8

I am officially tired.

It has been a really long eight weeks. I handle each day as they come, but I have to be honest. Today is rough for me. For the first time, I started to get really mad. Not sure at what. God? Circumstances? I dunno. I just got really mad. I feel very broken and defeated, and I know I shouldn't. I SHOULD be strong and courageous and say all the proper things about how God is my strength in this time and I have a great peace and so on and so forth.

But I don't feel very strong right now. I don't FEEL God's strength. I feel like I'm falling apart and blah.

Okay, so now that I've gotten all gloomy and depressing on you... I also am aware that we can't always rely on how we "feel". I think, maybe, this is where faith comes in. When we don't necessarily "feel" how a good Christian should, we don't feel very peaceful or full of God's strength, faith is still believing that God is still there, that he hasn't just thrown up His hands and quit, that He hasn't turned his back on a more pressing problem and forgotten about me.

So today, I'm making the choice to believe, even though the feeling is so totally not there. Even though God and I have had words, in which I pointed out where I don't quite agree with his handling of things and he's pointed out a few of my own inadequacies, I'm still trusting Him. It's a point where I am saying, I don't really agree with you, but, well, you're God, and I trust you anyway because you are bigger and I know, in my heart, that you love me still.

My Annabelle update is that she was extubated around noon today, but all her blood gas numbers were bad. They put her on a CPAP machine, and they got better, but I got a call around 9 that they were bad again, and they reintubated her. For the 5th time now. This means I STILL can't hold my baby. My arms hurt they want to hold her so bad. My heart is absolutely breaking seeing her laying there and not being able to snuggle her and make her hurts go away.

On top of this very depressing news, I also found out that my Grandfather is dying. He's 94, so this isn't new news, but he has a blood infection so they don't think he'll last the week (although could live up to a month.) I went to see him tonight, and it was just so sad. He laid there, talking about how he couldn't wait to see his wife and his mother, and how he loved us all and were so happy we came to see him. We could barely understand him, but then he started singing his FAVORITE song... A Wonderful Savior is Jesus, our Lord. A Wonderful Savior is He. Then he forgot the worlds so just kept singing in the tune, "I love you a whole lot, I love you Jesus a whole lot I doooo." We all, of course, cried.

I got to thinking. When I am old and on my deathbed, will I be so in love with my Savior that all I want to do is sing about how wonderful He is? Oh, I hope so. I really really do. AFter all the hardships of this life, to see my grandpa sing and give praises to God even as he is lying there dying... wow. Then a few minutes later I got the call from the doctor about Annabelle.

I think sometimes, when things get really tough like they are, the only thing we can do is take our eyes off of the things of this world, the really bad and scary and hurtful things, and look to Jesus, our Wonderful Savior, and put our focus on him. I'm realizing, and God is pointing out, that I've been focusing very heavily on circumstances. And while I doubt anyone would blame me, I need to focus more on my Jesus. Our hope is in Him, and our future is in His hands.

I'm sure this is all a bumbled mess tonight, so I apologize if I sound incoherent. Just please, continue to keep my family in your prayers during this time. And most important, keep your eyes on Jesus. Because our savior IS wonderful!

A wonderful Savior is Jesus my Lord,
A wonderful Savior to me;
He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock,
Where rivers of pleasure I see.

Refrain:

He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock,
That shadows a dry, thirsty land;
He hideth my life in the depths of His love,
And covers me there with His hand,
And covers me there with His hand.

A wonderful Savior is Jesus my Lord,
He taketh my burden away,
He holdeth me up and I shall not be moved,
He giveth me strength as my day.

With numberless blessings each moment He crowns,
And filled with His fullness divine,
I sing in my rapture, oh, glory to God!
For such a Redeemer as mine.

When clothed with His brightness transported I rise
To meet Him in clouds of the sky,
His perfect salvation, His wonderful love,
I’ll shout with the millions on high.

6 comments:

Sherrinda said...

Oh Krista, my heart aches for you. It's okay to be mad. It's okay to heartbroken. Goodness knows, all of God's mighty men in the Bible had "issues with God" at times. So it's okay to voice your anger, your concerns, your fears...whatever!

I'm praying for you and your family and sweet little Annabelle. (((hugs)))

Harvestmom said...

I echo Sherrinda - my heart just hurts for y'all..... In your brokenness, when you feel you have no strength left and can't keep going, God is there with outstretched arms begging you to come to Him - to give you His strength - to hold you in His loving arms and bring you comfort and peace. Read in Luke today about Jesus calming the storm.... he was right there in the boat, and the disciples were terrified....but a word from HIM and the storm was calmed. I pray today you will feel the calm of just knowing He is there with you and He is able!!

Susan J. Reinhardt said...

Hi Krista -

I understand your exhaustion. Having a loved one sick takes a toll on physical strength.

Know that God loves you, and it hurts His heart to see your baby going through all this. We live in an imperfect, fallen world.

Praying for you and your family.

Blessings,
Susan

Karen Lange said...

Hugs and prayers to you and your family, Krista.

Jessica Nelson said...

This isn't a bumbling post at all! It's beautiful and powerful. Does it hurt to mold clay? To bend us and break us? I think so, yet He's making us beautiful.
I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa. He sounds like an amazing person.
I think you're wonderful and that you're so on the right track about trusting God, even in our anger and deep pain.
I'm praying for all of you right now, for all the things you need.

*Hugs*

Jessie

Jason said...

My heart really breaks to see you going through all of this. I feel so helpless because I wish I could do more than just pray for you. :(