My regular OB only delivers at 2 specific hospitals in Nashville, and we have to deliver at Vanderbilt so the specialists and surgeons can take care of baby Annabelle immediately after birth. So, I am now seeing a high-risk OB at Vanderbilt. I'm sure it will be fine, it's just a big shift this late in the game (32 weeks.)
We also got to tour the hospital to see labor and delivery, of course, as well as where Annabelle will be staying before and after surgery. Going into it, I was looking forward to it. Obviously I'm not excited about the prospect of Annabelle having to go through all that, but I needed to know what to expect and to grasp everything in my head. I kinda also thought that it would relieve some of my fears and make me feel better.
Realty check. I don't feel any better. AT ALL!
I was okay in the NICU. It was sad, but you couldn't see the babies well. Many of these babies were awaiting surgery so while they were hooked up to tubes, that was about it.
But then we visited the PCCU, and my heart about stopped. Little babies and some older kids were covered in tubes, sedated, strapped down, and completely viewable in their beds. There was only one baby who looked to be about 2 who was moving around.
All I could do was think of my little baby girl strapped to one of those beds, a large cut down her chest, and tubes attached to every limb. It was almost too much for me.
But at the same point and time, one of these days it's going to need to sink into me that this is for real. That we're really going to have to go through this. That my baby really is going to be one of those.
Please know that I haven't given up my prayers. I still beseech God on my baby's behalf everyday. But at some point I need to accept that God's ways aren't my ways, and his plans are much different than mine. (Krista's paraphrase of Isaiah 55:8-9) I need to trust Him even with the hard stuff, even if he chooses to make Annabelle go through this.
There is something humbling about having to truly, 100% say to God, "Not my will, by thy will, be done."
I'm thinking today that there are a lot of things we have to say this about. It's hard to give up control, but a little easier when we realize that we really never had control in the first place. Sometimes it's about a job, a health issue, our writing, parenting issues, or issues with our marriage.
Do you have trouble giving control to God and accepting His will? What have you successfully given over to Him lately?
I forgot to mention, I'm also blogging over at The Writers' Alleys today about balancing life and writing: How to help your family not HATE your writing:-) This is a subject near and dear to my heart lately!