Friday, May 14, 2010

Difficult Days

We all have those days where nothing goes right. We look up to the sky and wonder why everything had to cave in on one day.

I've had many of these days lately. Each time I think, WOW! Hopefully the craziness is about over and I can have time to breathe soon!

I had one of those days yesterday. And the worst part of the day was that it confirmed my fears. The craziness won't be over for a very long time.

Baby's heart is seriously damaged. Without going into too many details, she will have to go through at least 3 major heart surgeries by the time she is 2, and has a real chance of having to have a heart transplant someday. Her first surgery will be within her first week after delivery, and she will be in the hospital for 1 to 2 months. Her second surgery will be at about 4 months, and her third between 15 months and 2 years.

She probably won't be able to eat without a feeding tube until after her second surgery, but there is a chance that she could eat with a bottle before that, but it's small.

20% of babies like her go to meet Jesus by the second surgery.

I'm shaking even as I realize all of this. At some moments, it slaps me in the face and I fall apart. At other moments, I'm in complete denial and just try to pretend that everything is normal.

I have moments, very real moments, where I wonder if I can handle this. A few months ago I was worried about handling being the working mom of 4 children and postpartum baby blues. Now, I'd give anything to just have to worry about something so... regular.

I'm still not asking God why. I'm sure I will someday soon. I'm just a sure though, that there won't be an answer. Not one that I can understand though.

I'm still trusting God. I think sometimes you get to the point where there is nothing to do BUT trust Him.

To round out my very difficult day, the Genesis contest results were announced, and I didn't final. It's funny how petty and silly worrying about something like a writing contest seems to me right now. Yes, I'm bummed, but baby puts into perspective just how inconsequential it really is to not final. That said, I'm still anxious to see my scores and get the feedback. I'm still glad I entered. In fact, over at The Writer's Alleys, we're having a blog party to celebrate EVERYONE who entered.

I'd also like to take a second to THANK you all for praying for my little baby. Your thoughts and prayers mean the world to me, and I really do feel them.

17 comments:

Weronika Janczuk said...

Oh, Krista . . . You and your family and the baby continue to be in my prayers, each and every day, and I trust that whatever happens will be the best for you all.

Katie Ganshert said...

I just DMed you, Krista.

We will be your prayer-warriors. I will pray Jesus wraps his arms around you both so tight that He drowns out the rest of the world.

Jessica Nelson said...

Oh my... :-( Don't know what to say but that I'm praying so hard for all of you.

Tabitha Bird said...

Oh Krista, that is so hard. My thoughts and prayers are with you and bub. I have been in a few places lately where it seems all that is left is me and Jesus. He hasn't let me fall yet. I pray you feel His arms around you. :)

Heather Sunseri said...

Oh, Krista. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I'm praying for God to bring you strength and peace of mind during such a tough time. And many prayers being said for the sweet baby you're carrying.

Wendy Paine Miller said...

My heart is so very much with you right now.

I'm having trouble finding words to offer so I'll just offer love.

Sending love,
Wendy

Krista Phillips said...

Love is good Wendy... it always is:-)

Please note as well... my blog will NOT turn into just a bunch of depressing updates about baby. I'm going to need some smiles in the next few months so will try as much to be uplifting and chipper:-) But I expect that God will grow me a ton through this too, so I will sneak in a few "how God is whipping me into shape" posts.

I WILL take off from blogging while baby is in hospital obviously, and post occasionally on how she is doing, with pictures as I am able.

anyway, thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers. You all are so wonderful!

Valerie said...

Krista, first of all, I love you girl. Secondly, Wade, the boys, and I have been praying for you and little one. When I put you on the prayer list at church, one of our members came up to me and gave me her contact info to give to you. Both of her boys have had heart trouble that was found in utero and have had surgery as babies. She said if you have questions or need to talk, you're more than welcome to call her, even in the middle of the night. She's a sweet person and means it. I'll send you the info.

Erica Vetsch said...

You are in my prayers, Krista, you and that precious baby girl.

Keli Gwyn said...

Krista, I'm in tears as a type this. I ache for you and your hubby. News like this is overwhelming. I'm thankful you have the Lord to lean on, but the pain, grief, and fears are still there. I wish I could pick you up, grab some comfort food, and head to a beautiful place where you could talk, vent, process, or whatever you need. Better yet, we could go shopping, take in a movie, share some laughs, and forget about the tough stuff.

Alas, I'm unable to do any of the above. I can give you cyber (((hugs))) and will continue to pray for you, your husband, your precious little girl, and her medical team.

Brooke said...

Krista- I am so sorry! Praying for strength and peace as your pregnancy continues and you prepare to meet your little girl! Also, I will be praying for Him to lay His hand on her heart and heal it!! This really stinks! Love you girl!!

Diane said...

Still praying. God CAN do a miracle for your baby. :O)

Kristen said...

Krista, I am praying for you and your family! Thank you for sharing this with us.

I didn't final either. It is disappointing, even with the right perspective.

Pepper Basham said...

Krista,
you are in my prayers. You know that.
And so is that sweet baby of yours - that He created, for his glory.
May God's peace, His love, wrap around you during this time.
Yes, sometimes all there is left to do...is to trust Him.

April W Gardner said...

Krista,
Thank you for sharing your heart. It puts my own problems into perspective too. Praise God for that little life growing inside you! For every moment you have with her now and later, no matter difficult it may be.
And just so you know...I doubt ANYONE would mind if you come on here and blog your tears away. Please do. We're here to listen.
God bless you, sweet Sister.

Sherrinda said...

We will definitely be your prayer warriors, Krista. You are and will be the perfect mom for this baby, chosen by God to love and adore her.

And you can whine all you want on your blog. We will (((hug))) you tight!

Jenny B. Jones said...

Krista, I'm so sorry. Just prayed to the God of miracles. Praying that baby comes out whole and healthy, baffling those doctors and defying ultra-sounds.