Friday, September 25, 2009

A New Resolve

I'm back home, I'm somewhat rested, and I'm de-stressed.

All of these things are VERY VERY good and much needed, and I'm so thankful that God granted me the time away to wind-down and feel like a normal human being again... whatever that is!

So now that I'm getting back into the swing of things, I had this burst of "fix everything" energy. Not like in... fix the toilet (my WONDERFUL father-in-law did that while we were gone... WOOHOO!) but more like fix the broken parts of my life. The things that got me to the point of wanting to pull my hair out piece by piece. Well, maybe not THAT bad.

But I was very stressed, very overwhelmed, and in much need of change.

So today, as I got back into the pattern that is my day job, I found myself mentally organizing my life to figure out how to cram EVERYTHING in there that I wanted to do so I wouldn't get overwhelmed and to the point of "I CAN'T DO IT. SHOOT ME NOW!" again.

But... it was like God pulled up a chair beside me, sat down, shook his head and said, "You're doing it again, Krista."

I glared at him out of the corner of my eye as I worked. "Doing what?"

"Trying to one-up me."

A chuckle escaped my lips. "Whatever, I was not."

"Were to."

"Was not."

He hunched over, his elbows on his knee, and poked me in the side. "Were too."

I tried not to laugh, but dog gone it, God so knows where I'm ticklish. "Seriously, how was I trying to one-up you, Lord?"

"Remember, I can read your mind, Krista. You were sitting there thinking, 'Oh, I can do EVERYTHING, and it will be perfect and wonderful.'"

Okay, so maybe I'd been doing that. "And why is that bad? Don't you want me to succeed God?"

He shook his head. "Nope."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, posh. Yes you do."

He smiles. "Well, yes, I want you to succeed, but I want to succeed for you. I want to be your God. I want you to depend on me. If you are out there slaying all the dragons and being super wonder woman, where does that leave me?"

"Well, I'll give you all the credit. Does that help?"

He scooched closer to me. "See, here's the problem with that."

I'm all ears. "Yes?"

"You can't do it, Krista."

I fold my arms over my chest. "What do you mean, I can't? I feel much better now. I'm ready to take on the world."

"That's what you said the last time. Then you tried and tried and tried, and you got burnt out, and ended up leaving out some of the most important things you needed to do. You see... I want to save you from that, sweetie. I want you to lean on me, I want you to use MY strength, I want you to depend on me for EVERYTHING. I am your everything, Krista. You can do all things through ME... not through yourself. I'm here to give you peace and rest, if you'll let me."

"But...."

He gives me that look.

"Okay. You're right. But God, everything on my list is so important..."

"More important than me?"

I shake my head. I know it's not.

"Then trust me, Krista. And lean on me. Draw close to me and I will carry you."

And then he hugs me as I cry, because as good as God carrying me sounds, it isn't easy to give up control.

I write this because I'm sitting here tonight, itching to write a list. I want to schedule EVERYTHING, I want to organize me life and prove how I can do it all, but God is shaking his head and telling me to give it to him.

Not that lists and organization is bad. Because it's really good. But... I think at the moment it symbolizes my lack of trust in Him.

This said, I am making changes to my life so I can give GOD more time, my husband and kids more time, my job more time, my writing more time. But.... mostly God. One of those things is blogging. I'm still going to blog, but am scaling down to 3 times a week as I know other bloggers have been obedient and done. (I argued with God about this for oh.... about the last month or so)

I'm also going to limit my "checking" of other blogs too. I LOVE reading people's blogs and communicating with everyone... but once I get reading I'll spend literally HOURS online reading all the wonderful blogs. So I'm limiting myself to 15 minutes every morning, and once a week taking a little longer to indulge. So... I apologize now if I'm not visiting/commenting as much as I used to.

Discussion:

What changes has God asked YOU to make lately? Any that you're being stubborn about?

12 comments:

sherrinda said...

Awww, Krist, I love your conversations with God! I felt like I was right there. :) I totally understand your predicament and I just said on my blog that some things are going to have to go. But what? It is so hard because we want it all! God bless you as you give it all to HIM!

Jody Hedlund said...

Sounds like a great plan, Krista! It's too easy to let blogging take up so much time! We're all struggling to fit in everything that needs to be done. We just can't do it all. And as I told my husband last night, we have to cut back on even the good things in order to fit in what's necessary.

Jennifer Shirk said...

Yes, it's not easy giving up control! I've had to make changes too, in order to have more time for God and my family.
I'm much happier and much less stressed. :)

Linda said...

Hard not to get blogged down these days. Putting God first is paramont in our productivity goals.

Valerie said...

Wade and I are feeling God compelling us to live more simply, more plainly, with less stuff and less world in our lives. How to do that? We're working on that part. :)

Marybeth Poppins said...

I'm NEVER stubborn about making changes.... And I ALWAYS do the laundry every day....

I'm sure you'll do the right thing :)

Eileen Astels Watson said...

Oh, Krista, this touched my heart big time. I so want to hear God talk to me like He did to you here. It's one of my greatest struggles right now, to really feel His presence in my life again. Either I'm seeking to much for me, or I'm seriously jaded by the devil now so that He can't get through to me. Very frustrating. So I'm immersing myself more in the word, praying that He'll deem me worthy of conversing with once again--soon, hopefully.

And I've been thinking of my Genesis final ever since the banquet. I don't get why you didn't final? I shouldn't have, you should have with amazing high scores. Be sure to submit next year. I'll be praying abundantly for you.

Enjoy letting God lead, Krista. He will take you places you never imagined. I hope you'll share those places on occasion here for us all to hear!

Krista Phillips said...

Eileen, I say this from the bottom of my heart.

YOU were supposed to final in the contest. Because you did. You worked hard for it. And God doesn't make "whoops"'s . I wasn't meant to final, and my submission DID need more work like we talked about, and because I DIDN'T final it's much better for it.

I don't know why God does what he does, but I'm thankful for him that He knows and he goes behind our backs and does it sometimes anyway despite of our pleas.

And let me also note, my conversations with God are mucho in my head, and dramatized a bit for effect:-) They are many times my selfish heart arguing with God and Him standing firm.

I'd probably have much more productive conversations if I'd get my priorities right and spent more time in the Word and in serious prayer... vs. arguments... with him. :-)

I'll be praying though, that God hears the cry of your heart and draws you close to him while you seek him. Sometimes when God FEELS the farthest away... he's actually closer than he's ever been. Or... at least that's what I've found sometimes.

"Be still and KNOW that I am God." Ohhhh, I'm loving that and need to work on being still. amen!?

Jill Kemerer said...

You are so real and funny. Thanks for sharing this!

Livewire said...

Reading your blog proves that God has gifted you as a great writer!

Katie Ganshert said...

Oh girl, I so admire you for this decision. I'm going to be announcing a similar one come Monday on my blog. I think it's a great decision.

And thanks for sharing that conversation, because it's the exact same thing I struggle with each and every day.

Love ya!

Catherine West said...

Hi Krista, I enjoyed reading your posts about the conference, thanks for making a little closer for those of us that couldn't be there! And thanks for coming to my blog party!