I'm back home, I'm somewhat rested, and I'm de-stressed.
All of these things are VERY VERY good and much needed, and I'm so thankful that God granted me the time away to wind-down and feel like a normal human being again... whatever that is!
So now that I'm getting back into the swing of things, I had this burst of "fix everything" energy. Not like in... fix the toilet (my WONDERFUL father-in-law did that while we were gone... WOOHOO!) but more like fix the broken parts of my life. The things that got me to the point of wanting to pull my hair out piece by piece. Well, maybe not THAT bad.
But I was very stressed, very overwhelmed, and in much need of change.
So today, as I got back into the pattern that is my day job, I found myself mentally organizing my life to figure out how to cram EVERYTHING in there that I wanted to do so I wouldn't get overwhelmed and to the point of "I CAN'T DO IT. SHOOT ME NOW!" again.
But... it was like God pulled up a chair beside me, sat down, shook his head and said, "You're doing it again, Krista."
I glared at him out of the corner of my eye as I worked. "Doing what?"
"Trying to one-up me."
A chuckle escaped my lips. "Whatever, I was not."
He hunched over, his elbows on his knee, and poked me in the side. "Were too."
I tried not to laugh, but dog gone it, God so knows where I'm ticklish. "Seriously, how was I trying to one-up you, Lord?"
"Remember, I can read your mind, Krista. You were sitting there thinking, 'Oh, I can do EVERYTHING, and it will be perfect and wonderful.'"
Okay, so maybe I'd been doing that. "And why is that bad? Don't you want me to succeed God?"
He shook his head. "Nope."
I rolled my eyes. "Oh, posh. Yes you do."
He smiles. "Well, yes, I want you to succeed, but I want to succeed for you. I want to be your God. I want you to depend on me. If you are out there slaying all the dragons and being super wonder woman, where does that leave me?"
"Well, I'll give you all the credit. Does that help?"
He scooched closer to me. "See, here's the problem with that."
I'm all ears. "Yes?"
"You can't do it, Krista."
I fold my arms over my chest. "What do you mean, I can't? I feel much better now. I'm ready to take on the world."
"That's what you said the last time. Then you tried and tried and tried, and you got burnt out, and ended up leaving out some of the most important things you needed to do. You see... I want to save you from that, sweetie. I want you to lean on me, I want you to use MY strength, I want you to depend on me for EVERYTHING. I am your everything, Krista. You can do all things through ME... not through yourself. I'm here to give you peace and rest, if you'll let me."
He gives me that look.
"Okay. You're right. But God, everything on my list is so important..."
"More important than me?"
I shake my head. I know it's not.
"Then trust me, Krista. And lean on me. Draw close to me and I will carry you."
And then he hugs me as I cry, because as good as God carrying me sounds, it isn't easy to give up control.
I write this because I'm sitting here tonight, itching to write a list. I want to schedule EVERYTHING, I want to organize me life and prove how I can do it all, but God is shaking his head and telling me to give it to him.
Not that lists and organization is bad. Because it's really good. But... I think at the moment it symbolizes my lack of trust in Him.
This said, I am making changes to my life so I can give GOD more time, my husband and kids more time, my job more time, my writing more time. But.... mostly God. One of those things is blogging. I'm still going to blog, but am scaling down to 3 times a week as I know other bloggers have been obedient and done. (I argued with God about this for oh.... about the last month or so)
I'm also going to limit my "checking" of other blogs too. I LOVE reading people's blogs and communicating with everyone... but once I get reading I'll spend literally HOURS online reading all the wonderful blogs. So I'm limiting myself to 15 minutes every morning, and once a week taking a little longer to indulge. So... I apologize now if I'm not visiting/commenting as much as I used to.
What changes has God asked YOU to make lately? Any that you're being stubborn about?