Saturday, April 12, 2008

I understand

Have you ever read in the Old Testament about the Israelites journey from Egypt to the Promise Land, and thought, "Good grief! How stupid were those Israelites?? Here, God proves again and again his faithfulness, and shows them that he will take care of them and has good things for them. He brings them manna, they rejoice, but a little while later they start complaining again that God isn't doing anything for them!"

I have always thought that I was above that. I have condemned those people and admired Moses' and God's handling of the whole lot. How can you see God's miracles so plainly, but still doubt? How can you see God part the red sea and protect you from the whole Egyptian army, and still think that God won't provide for your needs? Have you ever noticed that very rarely did they 'ask' God for these things. They didn't say, "God, you were faithful last time, and we know you know our needs! Please send water!" No, instead they said, "God you are so mean! You leave us out here to die, we were better off without you!"

I wonder how God would have responded if they would have asked nicely? It reminds me of my kids! My Lacy is very stubborn, and since my eldest daughter talks CONSTANTLY, Lacy feels she needs to yell and scream to get her point across when she needs something. It is something we are obviously working on, but reminds me a lot of what the Israelites did.

Unfortunately, some days I see myself when I think about the Israelites. I desperately want my book(s) to be in the hands of an editor/agent and be published. I am growing impatient as each day goes by. I feel that God called me to do this, of that I have no doubt, but I am a 'grab the bull by the horns' kind of girl so waiting is excruciating! Some days I do well, other days I want to yell and scream and throw a fit. Shame on me!! I find myself asking daily for just a little piece, a little teeny bit of hope that will get me through. A few weekends ago, I got that hope. I was riding high for like a week after that, giddy and excited and thanking God just for the continued confirmation. It wasn’t anything big, no contract or notice by an agent/editor that they liked my writing, but just that little confirmation that I was on my way. But now, the thrill of that is gone, and the hope has subsided, and I need something else, something more.

I have been upset at myself for needed it and not wanting to waiting. All the books tell you to have patience and learn to wait, and I really can! I promise! I just have a difficult time not knowing... this first time. It will always be a difficult wait, but it is like writing a book. The first sentence is always the hardest, and the most critical. Once you get your foot in the door, you gain a confidence that allows you to wait a little more easily.

So today, I am asking. I am not demanding, or berating, or questioning God. I am asking just for that little sliver of hope that will get me through another week. Just that one bit of encouragement that says, "You are on the right path! Keep it up!" That one ray of hope at the end of the road that keeps you going. I know God will sustain me, and I have faith that he knows my needs more than I even do. (Although, I am always praying too for the BIG break.. and would welcome that as well!!)

I also know this: Someday, I am going to read back on these blogs and will laugh. I will realize how silly I was and how really this time of waiting was like a blink, and if I had known now, what I know then, I wouldn't have fretted nearly so badly!! That will be easy to say looking back, not so easy looking forward:-)

God Bless everyone!

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